(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
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Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected