Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
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Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
m’lady
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies