A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
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landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
No point crayon over spilled milk.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”