the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 馃槀
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PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I鈥檓 sick, not dead.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
me: hi i鈥檇 like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma鈥檃m you鈥檙e calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There鈥檚 like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me