Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
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No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
i made a craigslist ad !
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake