WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
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I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”