The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
You Might Also Like
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.