Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
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I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.