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Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”