My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
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Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree