he’s sick of your bullshit today
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My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.