*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
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[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Employees must applaud the planets.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.