Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
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Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Not messing around
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.