if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
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Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer