This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
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Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
huge if true: the moon
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Not recommended for beginners.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.