Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
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Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.