How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
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HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
I鈥檓 not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Love it! 馃憤馃槀
I wrecked my Italian car, now it鈥檚 al dente
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Haha! 馃槀
You don鈥檛 scare me. You鈥檙e not an omelette I鈥檓 about to flip.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck: