*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
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How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well