*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
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“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.