Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
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“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
My first child will be named New Folder.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Now this is how you LinkedIn
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.