If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
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Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’