so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
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The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.