The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
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I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
I finally found a reason to live again.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith