millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
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[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.