Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
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Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
From Facebook just now…
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
how long have you had this for?
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business