Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
You Might Also Like
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.