bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
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[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
jesus, what did this guy do
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
I feel seen
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month