I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
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Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.