Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
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Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
had to share :’)
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded