Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
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Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
*pronounces fake like saké*
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”