[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
You Might Also Like
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho