ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
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Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
fourth time’s the charm
True.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
I beg your pardon?
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”