Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
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Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it