Mistakes were made
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MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
My life in a nutshell
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.