Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
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Horrifying if literal: armchairs
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped