ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
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The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up