[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
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Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
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