Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
You Might Also Like
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.