Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
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*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!