The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
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The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
OKAY DAD
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.