Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
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the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
A Match(.com), but for socks.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
The glory of fall.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
mariah carrie
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.