Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
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Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.