Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
You Might Also Like
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
2022: I can fix it
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body