today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
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Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!