Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
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*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT