women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
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If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.