“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
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The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
I’m giving up ice.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months