If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
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Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year