this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
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My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.