I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
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Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Name another movie that mislead you?
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes